Kochi

Having a cheeky bottle of KO Strong in one of those trendy total-darkness bars that were all the rage in Shoreditch a few years back. I'm the only non-local in here so either their eyes respond to different wavelengths or the lights have fused. Either way, it's dead atmospheric. 

I've just felt the menu (shout out to Louis Braille) and they do Crab Gratin which, from my limited experience of Indian English is likely to be a crab in a grey tin. What's not to like about such unpretentious, simply presented food? 

Had a quick ride around this arvo and it's much like Africa - Indicators on permanently, constant honking and "Might Is Right" underpinning everything. Round here, a 500 Enfield is a prestigious bike (!) so you can hustle the mopeds a bit but the lorries will think nothing of squishing you so as Han said to Luke, "Don't get cocky kid"

I did find a quiet bit of road but getting up there was a bit lairy and they've omitted the odd section. All the same, an easier ride than down at ground level.

After high level jinks, I lashed my holiday pants to the bike with help from a couple of lovely locals. Bless them, they couldn't understand why I was bothering to strap things on at all, nor where I was offering to ram the bags if they didn't stop "critiquing" my efforts. In fairness, if a mad Indian parked outside my house and tied a chesterfield sofa onto his bike with string, I'd probably butt in with helpful advice

Aside 1

Bum! I just asked for a quirky local beer and got served a bottle of Fosters. Sadly, no-one ever believes that tourists want to drink local beer but I'm far too English to complain now he's opened it so I'll have to have another one after the Crab en Tin Gris

Aside 2

A thought occurs - Am I taking a teensy risk, eating in a small local bar? I've a long day tommorow and a case of the Bradd Pitts would be a nuisance, not to mention attracting the worst kind of deviant tiger. Oh well, I'll be-foul that bridge when I come to it

Aside 3

Blimey! Local beer "Bullet" is bloody lovely and now has 10% more formaldehyde. Yumbles! 

By rights, I should go to bed now but is there ever a cogent argument against a cheeky last one?

[Contractually, I am obliged to say that Google Blogs support the "Drink Responsibly" campaign, which is the kind of noxious corporate lameness which breeds serial killers. Well, certainly this one]

Postscript:

So with my legendary willpower....I popped back for a couple more bottles of Bullet. Technically, not my fault coz a) 

the beer was nice and 

b) all the English people had wussed out/stayed in so it was mostly twat free